Training Turbulence

Ask Granny enjoyed this clip sent to her on Mother’s Day!

 

> Dear Diary,

> For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at

> the local health club.

> Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football

> cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead

> and give it a try.

> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named

> Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and

> model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

> Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club

> encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

> ________________________________

> MONDAY:

> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was

> well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting

> for me. He is something of a Greek god– with blond hair, dancing eyes,

> and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

> Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines… I enjoyed watching

> the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my

> workout today. Very inspiring!

> Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already

> aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to

> be a FANTASTIC week!!

> ________________________________

> TUESDAY:

> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

> Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air

> then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the

> treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all

> worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.

> _______________________________

> WEDNESDAY:

> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the

> counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

> hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to

> steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

> Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other

> club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the

> morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY

> annoying.

> My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair

> monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity

> rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in

> shape and enjoy life. He said some other rubbish too.

> _______________________________

> THURSDAY:

> Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his

> thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being

> a half an hour late– it took me that long to tie my shoes.

> He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and

> hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.

> Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine– which I sank.

> _________________________________

> FRIDAY:

> I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has ever hated any

> other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,

> anorexic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I

> could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

> Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And

> if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the darn barbells or

> anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition

> teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach

> or the choir director?

> ________________________________

> SATURDAY:

> Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly

> voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made

> me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the

> strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight

> hours of the Weather Channel.

> ________________________________

> SUNDAY:

> I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and

> thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my

> husband will choose a gift for me that is fun– like a root canal or a

> hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would

> have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!